Picture this: in a couple years, you are a kindergarten teacher in Los Angeles and you are asking your kindergarteners on the first day of school to go around and say their names. You would most likely have about 5 Madisons, 5 Olivias, 5 Jaydens, and then a slew of really questionably-dubbed tykes thanks to their wealthy and/or famous parents with nomens such as Zuma, Apple, Coco, Suri, Bronx, Jermajesty and Prince Michael II. How as a teacher would you (a) possibly keep a straight face, (b) come up with nicknames for the children with all the same name [Mad Dog? Liver?] (c) and make sure you spelled all the ridiculous variants [Kaytlynn, Mikhaeyla] properly so their parents wouldn't thrust a lawsuit on your poor addled head?
I'm not advocating that every kid should be named John or Sarah or some common, easy to pronounce and spell-sort-of name. Far from it. Many less "Top 10" names are simple and lovely and can reflect a child's heritage or honor an ancestor. But girls' names that are derived from cars and WASP family surnames and former boys' names (so that the poor boys can never reclaim the names--I'm certain even still-androgynous names like Morgan will become predominantly female in years to come)? WHY? And celebrities who name their children after fruit and New York boroughs and sneakers and weird variants of their own names? Cruel and unusual punishment. Kids, as we all well know, are mean bastards and love finding easy ways to mock their peers--names are generally a great way do this and it really makes the bullying as smooth as pie if you saddle your little sweetiepoo with a label like Phinneas or Rockett.
NEVERMORE.
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